The bits I hardly dare share & a map of the moral low-ground: part 2

I think that it was early January. It was still bitterly cold outside & any evenings out – even those where heavy drinking occurred – required a warm jacket.

I’d been invited to a friend’s work-do. She wasn’t well-acquainted with many of the folks going so I was there for moral support. We started, somewhat awkwardly & soberly, in a bar that neither of us was overly familiar with. My legs were on show, but the weather begged I wore a little more on top as well as some sheer tights – minimalist protection against the freeze.

We were drinking spirits – the sure fire way to become a little more spirited – when I leaned across to my friend, who I had known since school, & whispered to her that I was sure that I recognised one member of our party as being from our home town. She agreed. I noted that he was not brash or loud but he was clearly at ease in the company of this mismatched group.

Whilst huddling together & smoking quickly to fight off the frost’s chill we asked the familiar stranger if he was indeed from our home town. He was. A little older, but he had gone to the same school.

The night wore on, the drink flowed & our party became all the more jovial with each bar that was visited.

Familiar-stranger, my friend & I chatted enthusiastically & animatedly about school days, teachers & general home town life. After some time I noticed that my friend had sidled out of reminiscing & was tactfully leaving us to it. After a little more time I began to notice that familiar-stranger was unpretentiously intelligent, good natured & very agreeable. We had a lot in common, too.

I also noticed that he liked me, a lot. & I think that I liked him. Though I was not immediately attracted to him he was certainly what I was looking for in a man.

“Oh.” Thought I.

A slice of thought from late winter

Perfect. Everything about his personality is what I would wish for in any friend, & any potential bed-mate. He’s intelligent & talks in a tone edged with wisdom. He is clearly a thinker. Though what is it that doesn’t sit quite right when he tells me with enthusiasm: “Oh, absolutely! You’re so right there – nobody else can make you happy, it’s down to the individual!”?

I struggle to tell whether his zeal comes from finding someone who shares his opinion on self-fulfilment, or whether he is aiming to flatter me.

“You seem as though you have it all figured out.” he says, with just a hint of awe that softly jabs the pit of my stomach. I feel embarrassed. I do have it figured out, don’t I? 

On paper, he is perfect. He ticks all the boxes. So why, oh why, can’t I appreciate how pleasant our evening has been; how refreshing it is to speak with someone who is on the same wavelength? He clearly is, yet I constantly have this underlying feeling that something is missing. He puts me at ease, yet I think that ease is exactly the problem. He does not challenge me. I feel no stir of apprehension. There is no niggle of doubt that this person may prove me wrong. He would simply concur & discuss the point further, as though it were fact.

I’d like to explore. I’d love for someone to have a point of view that was new & exciting. Sure, you have to share opinions & views on some things – there must be common ground – but wouldn’t it be wonderful for someone to come along & say “Well Gwin, what about this…” & completely blow my mind, or even divulge something that would get me a little riled – just a little though.

There is the other extreme: somebody who is so engrossed in their own viewpoint that – though they believe themselves to be open-minded – they have been blinkered for so many years that they don’t even realise it.

His opinion is fact – or so he strongly believes. He is self-righteous. So intelligent, it’s true – yet marred by his inability to open up with relative ease to any other view than that which has been hammered into him throughout his lifetime. Of course, some of his thoughts are admirable & quite agreeable, yet even those are often put across with such antagonism that one finds it hard to take anything positive from them.

He is, as you would expect, fragile inside. Someone who needs to be loved & who I sincerely hope will be, one day. Despite his declarations of “I know what your problem is, Gwin…” & when he warns me via text message: “Don’t you dare question my intentions, Gwin.” (I slam the phone down in agitation & choose not to respond) I doubt that he really does know what his own intentions are – yet, at least – let alone what my problems are.

It is ironic perhaps that the So-Agreeable-Someone, who is seemingly much less forthright, is most probably in possession of a braver heart. He has just as much character hidden in his depths as the Antagonist, yet it is something totally different, something made of stronger stuff. This doesn’t necessarily make him better, but it is certainly notable.

Either way, perhaps part of my dilemma is that I would prefer somebody whose true character is not buried underneath a pile of variations on their theme. Somebody who – in a very clichéd way – wears their heart on their sleeve; is true to themselves; can look before they leap. Okay, I digress on that last point (though it is always useful to be prudent). 

Yet this person should not be too naïve, oh no! That is not a trait that attracts me to a man, quite the opposite in fact. He should be wise, yet there should be no smack of pretention. This, I have discovered, is incredibly hard to find – perhaps nigh on impossible – but I hope to goodness that there must be some who are pretty close. A rare species I am looking for; but for a close cousin I may settle.

So, we know now that intelligence is a must – an intelligence that is upstanding yet wise enough to be polite; that allows room for revision but that can be influential & true enough for others to shift their view should they find it profound. Well, it’s all very complex, let me tell you; all very specific.

So, am I being just as closed minded as those I frown upon when I think that what I’m looking for has to adhere to such strict guidelines? I fear that I am in danger of becoming a little blinkered myself. Though I try to remain open to the possibility that somebody could take me entirely by surprise & be everything I could ever need, yet nothing I had previously wished for, I hope that it is in fact because I know myself reasonably well, that I realise just what it is that I need & therefore I wish for these things.

I could still be completely wrong though.