As I sit – with a wriggling babe on my knee being nothing but a beautiful distraction – I am pondering where to begin.
Never one to begin at the obvious beginning, I shall start at the beginning of my most recent ‘single episode’. Singledom always comes in short spurts for me. Though I enjoy freedom & find relationships to be hard work at times I still can’t quite shake the innate urge to couple-up, to feel loved & needed & to reciprocate these feelings.
It’s never that simple though, is it?
The last relationship had ended under dubious & dangerous circumstances. Circumstances which were almost entirely my fault & which I am not yet brave enough to put to paper. It was the beginning of the very cold winter. A week or so after he had left the house, the outside pipes that drained the washing machine froze in mid-cycle (it was -14 degrees) & the kitchen flooded. I wept. Thankfully, all was not so bad. The very same day I finally had a bed & the prospect of a comfy mattress as opposed to a constantly-deflating airbed was heavenly. That week I had also acquired a table & a desk so was no longer living completely like a squatter in my own home! So, things were looking better, even if I did have to revisit the days of squelching garments underfoot in the bath.
I’d had some dates that were not worth the effort of description, but all in all come Christmas I was not yet ready. Something was missing. I think I needed a life again before love, or the prospect of it. A coffee table & a giant rug would have been nice too.
Christmas was a warm & very welcome distraction. We spent it at Home – my parent’s house. We all ate & drank like gluttons & basked in the heat of the open fire for a blissful week. There was Christmas TV (something I love to indulge in due to not personally owning a TV); there was always company; & most importantly there was that constant, unspoken love.
I prolonged the escape by visiting my very favourite friend in Shrewsbury. We spent an enjoyable & tipsy New Year together, in the company of other wonderful folk. During this time, things changed. I received a call telling me I’d been promoted at work. This meant that a coffee table would be on the cards, it also meant challenges & fulfilment. The affection I received from friends & family filled me with a pleasure that cannot be obtained from any other source. I was finally living comfortably – I had a good job; I had a house to call my own; my daughter was, as ever, perfectly wonderful; I had security & was loved. But I was not in love.
I decided that I would be. I put myself out there – literally. I had several pairs of friends who had met via that wonderful platform that is the internet. I was sceptical at first but, I was in good humour & feeling bold so I joined. I paid & everything.
Why not?
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